A Pandemic Dance Party (Coronavirus Casserole) The coronavirus knows, the coronavirus sees, the coronavirus hears every fucking thing. First it gets in your head, then it goes down your throat, next it’s heading for your lungs. Now you’re in a boat, heading for shits creek. It wants weak immune systems, the elderly and sick and whoever wouldn’t listen. We are totally fucked, we’re all going to die. Probably in a hospital bed with no one at your side, with no ventilator because they ran out. Or you’ll die at home and now your spouse is sick as well and so are your kids and they’ll all die because nobody lives. But until then, we can party hardy. Have a dance party, a pandemic dance party. We can all boogie, do the boogie woogie. Actors and actresses in our own scary movie. So put up the disco ball and turn on the strobe lights. Dance like there’s no tomorrow because you know that it might. People are sneezing in their fucking hand. Coughing in your face, they don’t give a damn. They keep going out, knowing that they shouldn’t. Ignore social distancing because to them it’s not prudent. Putting others at risk, being total dicks, believing they’re invincible, immune to pandemics. So you want to make America great again. You think it’s all a hoax, thanks to Rob Paul and fox and friends. Is it a coordinated, some kind of global conspiracy by libtarded Democrats to overthrow Trumps presidency? You feel the media’s overblowing it, you suspect that something’s up, as if beast too human, human to human transmission isn’t enough. Americans are particularly arrogant and entitled. They think they’re exceptional but they’re naive and stupid in denial. Oh, it cannot happen here, not in your back yard. This kind of stuff only happens to those lesser countries abroad. You got to pull that head out of that reddit rabbit hole. Say goodbye to that bridge where lived the 4 Chan trolls. Do you have the blues? You do? Well I do too. You got the corona virus blues and the virus isn’t even inside you. Self isolation curated a more mailable depression. Hoarding and stores closing, bear witness to the Great Recession. Going to hell are the bad people who monopolized toilet paper and hand sanitizer. That free market go get em’ attitude of a libertarian geyser. You’ve sort of stayed in for two weeks, you feel that that’s enough. So you’ve gone out to, too fuck everything up. You’re under the spell of Typhoid Mary Mallon. You could call yourself, we’re invincible bro shithead battalion. Hey looky, whose gathered around the beach? Flocks of stupid fucking assholes, lounging at the cesspool, a coronavirus casserole.

Mario Lamieux He used to scream Mario Lemieux mothetfuckers whenever he put the puck in the net. He scored many goals for the North Allegheny Tigers, a high school all star who knew he could get a scholarship or maybe a deal to go straight pro but that was before he tore the ACL in his knee. It happened tragically on the seasons last game, sadly ending his career prematurely. He spent the next year in rehabilitation and no those scholarships they never did come. So he spent a couple years at the city college where he learned how to mix things with rum. That knee never healed right, it was never the same. Quit school and got a job at the South Park Ice Rink, the very same place where he had learned to skate, now he was issuing skates and unclogging toilets and sinks. As the years passed he became bitter and resentful, watching kids skating in circles and doing twirls. Fucking amateurs he’d mumble under his breath while sizing the feet of little 8 year old girls. After work he’s go home and drink himself stupid and watch the Pens game all alone on the TV. He’d fall asleep and have dreams turn to nightmares, skating wild and free and then out goes the knee. He knew he’d have to wake up and do it all over again. Putting the skates away and sweeping the halls, watching all those joyful fuckers having a good time. Staring at them in disgust while answering a call, a birthday party reservation for some stupid fucking kid whose lucky enough to move around without pain and fortunate enough to even be able to put on skates and one of these days, he’ll blow out his brains.

Happy Accidents/Proud Parents Mothers watching her boy just being a boy. He’s outside playing, nature brings him joy. He’s always smiling, batters up buttercup, swing batter batter, a bat full of butterfly guts. Back that x3 back that ass up Father is watching, eyes full of love, the boys his pride and joy. Laughing hysterically, what’s he laughing at? Meowing and laughing, has anyone seen the cat? Back that x3 back that ass up Alone in his bedroom, music playing loud. Under his bed is a box, souvenirs he’s found, pieces of dead animals. Music makes him smile, especially Juvenile.

Keep Those Creepy Twerkin’ Kids Off My God Damn Lawn He was the twerk king, she was the twerk queen. Nathan Lee and Billie Jean with a Kleen Kanteen full of lean, grape juice and codeine was the scene up in Killeen. Nathan Lee and Billie Jean were Texas crunk fiends and Killeens twerk king and queen. Mother had a book of spells, her kids used it to open hell. Demons taught them how to twerk and how to do the devils work. With the help of a reverend to get the book back and then to send those twerkin’ demons off to hell and close the gates before shit gets real and off they’ll go to Jacksonville.

The Coronavirus Is Everywhere Song People are dying, you better stay inside and practice social distancing. Stay at home order, you best self quarantine, if you don’t you could spread and bring, disease and sickness are in the air, coronavirus is everywhere but some of you are selfish and stupid. They don’t care, they don’t care, they don’t care at all. You say you’re healthy, well congratufuckinglations but what about everyone else? Oh yeah, fuck them, the autoimmune compromised and elderly can burn in hell. Disease and sickness are in the air, COVID-19 is everywhere but some of you watch Fox News. They don’t care, they don’t care, they don’t care at all. Don’t get me started on the Trump apologists and those who call it a hoax. What are you stupid? Oh, it’s just the flu and now your top wing spot is closed. Disease and sickness are in the air, it’s not going away, it’s everywhere but some of you are arrogant and in denial. They don’t care, they don’t care, they don’t care at all.

Brenda Jones Cuttin Barnum and Bailey had come to town the greatest show on earth. September 28th, 1976, would be cursed for what it’s worth. A circus aerialist, 42 years young, pinwheeled from 60 feet. Brenda Jones, bless her soul, landed face first on the concrete. It was a motorcycle trapeze fail, partnered with Elvin Bale. I don’t remember anything from that show, I was only 22 months old. But my sister was 6 and I do remember being told. The lights temporarily went out, the clowns rushed in, and sawdust for the blood. Was it that iron jaw, Spanish web that let poor Brenda down? Story goes, she was already dead before her body hit the ground. The Medical examiner declared the cause of death, cardiac arrest.

Boys Will Be Boys Johnny was a third grader, participating in a brawl on the classroom floor. Blue was for boys, pink was for girls, he liked fast cars and fights with gore. As a young man he learned how to talk with his fists and be tough. Unable to express a range of emotion, he’d bottle his feelings up because boys will be boys. Boys will be boys. Johnny as a teenager would storm off to his room and punch holes in the wall. Almost kicked out of school for cheating on tests and sneaking into the girls locker room last fall. He learned it was his nature to be mean and aggressive. He was conditioned to believe, he was meant to be stoic and reckless because boys will be boys. Boys will be boys. Johnny was a grown man, catcalling girls from across the street. Objectifying the women, he needed one to stay trim, clean and cook in bare feet. Unable to handle rejection, accountability is no fun. Not used to disappointment, loading what’s left of his masculinity into a gun. Boys will be Boys.

The Coronavirus Is Everywhere Song People are dying, you better stay inside and practice social distancing. Stay at home order, you best self quarantine, if you don’t you could spread and bring, disease and sickness are in the air, coronavirus is everywhere but some of you are selfish and stupid. They don’t care, they don’t care, they don’t care at all. You say you’re healthy, well congratufuckinglations but what about everyone else? Oh yeah, fuck them, the autoimmune compromised and elderly can burn in hell. Disease and sickness are in the air, COVID-19 is everywhere but some of you watch Fox News. They don’t care, they don’t care, they don’t care at all. Don’t get me started on the Trump apologists and those who call it a hoax. What are you stupid? Oh, it’s just the flu and now your top wing spot is closed. Disease and sickness are in the air, it’s not going away, it’s everywhere but some of you are arrogant and in denial. They don’t care, they don’t care, they don’t care at all.